Life Without Emotions
I'm sure that everyone has their moments. Life seems to be blurring together, and there's no darks or lights in the sky for miles around. At a certain point you almost seem to forget everyone around you, and how you feel about them.There's close to no emotions, and you seem to be stuck in a swinging equilibrium. I find myself in this state of undistinguished mind quite often. You may be wondering, how does this happen? For others it may be a temporary reaction to something traumatic that has recently happened in their life. For me, it's my whole childhood. I grew up in an abusive home where, if I showed any feeling or emotion, it was seen as a weakness (and I was often vilified for it). From childhood to now, I've had it engrained in my head that I can't emotionally connect myself to many things or people, because I always get hurt.
Until last spring, it hadn't caused many problems for me. Starting in March I started to meet new people, despite my extremely introverted and self-conscious self. They were all appreciative of me, and I've only had two people in my life that had ever appreciated me as much as they did at that point. Everything was fine until June came. At that point, not getting emotions for people (as much as I should) was causing me problems. My best friend at the time scorned me, and I just let it happen for the most part. After I lost my best friend for a month or so, I found a new amazing friend. She had (and still has) so many unresolved problems in her life. Being the people pleasing person I am I founded our relationship off of pity (for the most part). Since then, I've noticed that she's been more real of a friend to me than anyone else, and I never fully appreciated her for that. I was too blind to realize that I was putting her in the same place my own friend had put in me in for several years. When she'd try to hang out with me, I'd always find some reason to say no and let her down. When we talked I didn't listen to her as much as I should've. This is exactly where I was a few years ago with my best friend. As someone that was used to being a completely submissive person, I just accepted all this treatment. I don't want that to be the case for me or anyone else.
How did I get myself into all these confusing and multifaceted situations? By trying to not let myself get caught up with emotions. I tried to not get them for people because I was afraid of getting attached to them and paying for it in the end (when they suddenly decided to let me go). This has also caused many issues with my family and the people that I've dated. When you can't seem to feel anything for the person you're dating, it really hurts the other person. I almost feel bad for any person that has ever liked me.
In the past few days, I've lost and gained back a very valuable friend. Taking a break from her made me realize that I can feel things. That I can have emotions, but also not be afraid of getting left in the dust. This is because I know that if I show someone that I appreciate them in my life, they will appreciate me just as much back. So, the next time you find yourself saying things like "I don't want to date anyone because I'm afraid I'm going to get my feelings hurt" or "I don't want to love this person, because I know they're probably going to leave me", just don't. Ignore that defensive part of yourself, because without it you become liberated.
